Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through your team?

Picture this: a team meeting derails into finger-pointing and eye-rolling. One colleague hasn’t spoken to another in weeks. The atmosphere is thick with tension and productivity is plummeting. If this sounds familiar, your team might be harbouring what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – deadly communication patterns that can destroy any relationship, including those in the workplace.

In my two decades of working with teams across various organisations, I’ve seen these destructive patterns emerge time and time again. While Gottman identified these behaviours in couples, I’ve discovered they’re equally devastating to workplace teams – perhaps even more so, given how much is at stake financially and professionally.

What makes these patterns so dangerous is their ability to spread through an entire team like a virus. One person’s criticism leads to another’s defensiveness, creating a downward spiral that can transform a once-productive team into a dysfunctional mess. The good news? Once you can identify these behaviours, you can take steps to eliminate them.

Let’s examine each of these toxic behaviours and how they typically manifest in workplace teams.

Criticism

Imagine a team member saying, “You’re so disorganised, you always mess up our project timelines!” – that’s Criticism in action. Unlike constructive feedback, which focuses on specific behaviours and solutions, criticism attacks character and personality. It’s the difference between “This report was late” and “You’re an unreliable person”.

What are the signs of Criticism?

• Using “You always…” and “You never…” statements when they’re not factually correct
• Making character assassinations instead of addressing specific issues
• Turning feedback into personal attacks
• Generalising someone’s behaviour into personality flaws

Contempt

Contempt is the most poisonous of the Four Horsemen. It shows up as a toxic mix of disrespect and superiority that can destroy team morale faster than any other behaviour. Think of the senior nurse who mockingly calls junior team members’ handling of a patient “amateur hour” or the manager who dismisses ideas with an eye-roll and a smirk.

What are the signs of Contempt?

• Sarcastic or hostile ‘jokes’ at others’ expense
• Mimicking or mocking colleagues
• Eye-rolling and other dismissive gestures
• Using condescending language or tone
• Public humiliation or belittlement

Defensiveness

Defensiveness shows up when team members respond to feedback or challenges by deflecting responsibility and playing the victim. Picture a project review where someone says, “The deadline was missed because Marketing didn’t give us what we needed” instead of acknowledging their part in the delay. This behaviour blocks learning and improvement, turning every discussion into a blame game.

What are the signs of Defensiveness?

• Responding to feedback with counter-accusations
• Making excuses and refusing to acknowledge responsibility
• Playing the victim (“Everyone’s always picking on my department”)
• Using “Yes, but…” statements to deflect criticism
• Rewriting history to avoid accountability
• Bringing up past grievances to justify current behaviour

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the workplace equivalent of giving someone the cold shoulder. While it might seem like a ‘professional’ way to handle conflict – after all, you’re not arguing or showing excessive emotion – it’s actually one of the most damaging behaviours in team dynamics. Imagine trying to coordinate a cross-functional project when key team members simply stop responding to emails or sit silently through crucial meetings. This passive-aggressive withdrawal doesn’t just slow progress; it creates an atmosphere of tension that affects the entire team.

What are the signs of Stonewalling?

• Refusing to engage in meaningful dialogue
• Providing minimal responses in meetings (“fine” and “whatever”)
• Consistently missing or being ‘too busy’ for team meetings
• Delayed or non-existent responses to important communications
• Physically withdrawing (leaving rooms, avoiding shared spaces)
• Using busy work as an excuse to avoid interaction
• Redirecting conversations away from important issues

Breaking the Cycle

The presence of these Four Horsemen in your team isn’t a death sentence, but it does require immediate action. Here’s what you can do:

• Name the behaviour: When you spot one of the Horsemen, call it out – not in an accusatory way, but as an observation that opens discussion.
• Create team agreements: Develop explicit guidelines about how team members will communicate, especially during conflicts.
• Role model better behaviour: Leaders must demonstrate the communication patterns they want to see.
• Seek professional help: Sometimes, an external perspective through team coaching or facilitation is the only thing that will help break entrenched patterns and offer an optimistic way forward for the future.

It’s worth remembering that every team faces challenges. The difference between high-performing teams and failing ones isn’t the absence of problems – it’s how they communicate about and resolve those problems.

If you’re ready to tackle any of the Four Horsemen in your team, contact us to learn how we can help your team develop healthier communication patterns and stronger relationships.