The other day I was talking to my teenage son about confidence. He admires someone at school who, in his words, is “super confident”. Yet from where I sit – with a few more years of social experience under my belt – every gesture, every word, every flick of the hair shouts arrogance. It made me realise how subtle and how important the difference is.
As the saying goes (sometimes attributed to Aagam Shah):
There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, it’s called humility. Confidence smiles, arrogance smirks.
That line is easy to miss. Many of us tell our children to “be confident”. Career coaches encourage their clients to “show confidence” in presentations and interviews. Organisations reward leaders for being “confident decision makers”. But confidence without humility often slips into something that leaves a bad taste.
Spotting the difference
Psychologists would say confidence is grounded in self-assurance, while arrogance is inflated by the need to impress others. In Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) terms, you could think of it as state versus performance. True confidence comes from a centred internal state: “I know my worth, I trust my ability”. Arrogance, on the other hand, often looks like performance for an audience: “I need you to see how great I am”.
Therefore, I’ve worked out a useful shorthand which is:
- Confidence smiles – it’s relaxed, warm and open.
- Arrogance smirks – it’s closed, dismissive and a little bit too self-satisfied.
Why it matters at work
In my experience, this fine distinction shows up everywhere in professional life:
- Presentations: A confident presenter connects with the audience; an arrogant presenter performs at them, not with them.
- Job Interviews: Confidence answers with clarity and curiosity; arrogance turns answers into mini speeches about brilliance.
- Leadership: Confidence empowers a team; arrogance disempowers by needing to be the cleverest voice in the room.
- Sales skills: Confidence builds trust by focusing on the client’s needs; arrogance bulldozes the conversation, obsessed with closing the deal and showcasing the salesperson’s “magic touch”.
- Persuasion and influence skills: Confidence uses evidence, empathy and listening to bring people on board; arrogance relies on force of personality and pressure, often leaving people nodding along in the moment but resistant later.
- Consultation meetings with prospective clients: Confidence explores openly, asks good questions and leaves space for the client’s voice; arrogance assumes the client’s needs, talks at them and treats the meeting as a stage for self-promotion.
- Mentoring conversations: Confidence from a senior colleague shares experience in a way that encourages growth; arrogance dismisses the junior person’s perspective with “I know best” stories that shut down learning.
The humility factor
The bridge between confidence and arrogance is humility. Not humility as in “make yourself small”, but the grounded recognition that your skills don’t make you more valuable than others. Humility keeps confidence in check and it allows people to admire your strengths without resenting your presence.
If you’re not sure how you’re coming across, try this experiment. Before a presentation, interview or meeting, pause and ask yourself:
- Am I here to connect, or to impress?
- Am I showing my strengths, or showing off?
That tiny self-check can shift you back into authentic confidence.
Over to you
When I think back to my son’s schoolmate, I realise that most of us have met their grown-up equivalent in the workplace (sometimes we’ve even been that person ourselves). It’s worth paying attention to the line between confidence and arrogance in your own leadership style, your team culture or the way you coach others, because confidence grounded in humility is magnetic. Arrogance, no matter how polished, usually repels.
