by Justin Standfield
I was facilitating a leadership development programme recently with a group of managers employed by one of Incendo’s clients in the legal sector. As often happens with this particular group, we concluded the session with people sharing business and personal development books that they’d been reading. One of the participants had been reading ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman and she told us how it had enhanced her relationship with her partner, but also with her grown-up children. She shared with with the group that according to Chapman, the five “love languages” are:
- words of affirmation (compliments)
- quality time
- gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch
She wondered if they could apply to work relationships too, because we’d been exploring motivation and engagement in our workshop that day. As I wasn’t familiar with the book myself, I’ve since taken some time to look into the concept of the love languages, which is essentially about acknowledging that we all have unique preferences when it comes to giving and receiving love and appreciation. From what I’ve seen so far, Chapman’s framework is usually associated with personal relationships, but I do think that it can hold significance in professional settings as well – especially within leadership and management roles within organisations.
Having researched a bit more about the five love languages, here are my brief thoughts about how their insights could apply to leaders and managers (disclaimer: I haven’t read the full book!).
Words of Affirmation Sharing words of encouragement can boost morale, improve collaboration and promote a positive work environment. Leaders who excel in this love language often take the time to praise and acknowledge their team members’ efforts, accomplishments and strengths. Regular, good quality feedback and constructive criticism can provide a sense of validation and motivation for team members to continue performing at their best.
Quality Time Leaders who value quality time recognise the importance of spending dedicated, uninterrupted moments with their team members. This can involve one-to-one meetings, team building activities, or simply checking in on a regular basis in an ad hoc, informal way. By prioritising quality time, leaders can foster stronger relationships, understand their team members’ needs and create a sense of belonging within the team.
Acts of Service In a leadership role, acts of service can be manifested through supporting and assisting team members in their tasks and responsibilities. This may include helping out with difficult projects, providing resources and guidance, or actively participating in the day’s work. Acting as someone’s coach or mentor could also be an act of service, as well as tapping into the ‘Quality Time’ love language.
Gifts While physical gifts may not be as central in a professional setting, leaders can apply the concept of gift-giving by providing thoughtful and meaningful tokens of appreciation. This can range from small gestures like handwritten notes or tokens of recognition like an edible treat or a holiday gift, to larger gestures such as promotions or bonuses depending on the situation and the individual’s preferences. I remember being part of a team years ago during a floor move in a large open-plan office. The move had been contentious for some staff and to say thank you for being patient and staying motivated, the team manager bought us all a pot plant for our desks in the new layout. Most staff were happy with this (and one or two staff didn’t like it), but I recall that some of the team were utterly delighted at the gesture – presumably those with ‘Gifts’ as their love language.
Physical Touch Of all of the love languages, this one needs a large health warning attached to it, for obvious reasons. Clearly, physical touch plays a less prominent role in professional leadership and management settings compared to personal relationships. That said, there may be some circumstances where leaders can still incorporate non-intrusive forms of physical touch (e.g. a handshake or a hand on the arm) to establish rapport or to convey empathy during moments of distress. There are so many considerations here about what is and what is not acceptable in different workplaces, cultures etc. that my advice regarding physical touch would basically be: don’t do it.
In summary, I’d say that the love languages can help you better understand how you interact with others and receive feedback in the workplace. Therefore, understanding the love languages and applying them in leadership and management could have a profound impact on team dynamics and overall performance. By recognising and catering to individual preferences, leaders can create a more inclusive and empowering work environment. Additionally, being aware of your own love language as a manager could guide you in understanding how you communicate and express appreciation. This type of self-awareness can enable leaders to adapt their leadership style and leverage different languages when interacting with diverse team members.
As positive and helpful as my training participant found ‘The 5 Love Languages’ in her personal relationships, I think I will continue to use the more standard frameworks regarding motivation and personality preferences with my clients.
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